Osama's newest tape hasn't gained him anymore respect than Rodney Dangerfield ever had on his best day. Even worse, his video ratings have fallen lower than CBS during a Dan Rather TV special on 'How to create forged documents'. Yes, life in terror-land filming just isn't the same since Bin has had to switch to mobile back-drops, clothes laundered in muddy caves, flashlights for set lighting, and AK-47s from Toys-R-Us because he's now too weak from cave food to hold a real one. Added to these problems is the matter of bungling fools and pizza delivery boys as film makers since everybody in his regular crew with any real expertise have already been shot, captured, collared and leashed, or are out looking for little boys and women to abuse while they still can.

With all of this against him just how am I suppose to come up with a way to boost his ratings? Not a problem, I emailed Dan Rather to lean on his years of experience at stretching and distorting the truth. Here is what Dan had to say after getting some input from Evil Glenn Reynolds(who recommended  that he ditch the robe and towel, and put on an Alliance sweatshirt and diapers to convey an image of brilliance and innocence instead of conveying the image of the murdering  Islamofascist thug that he is). So, after much thought Dan suggested the following:

First of all, hire Michael Moore to come up with a script for his videos - since no-one is better at distorting both truth and film-footage for the purpose of causing harm to America - ah, Osama's greatest ambition. Next hire Al Gore to help him with his jokes, which would be patterned after Al's rants and raves in order to add entertainment value to his videos. Of course Osama will need to practice how to say Yeeeee-haaaw enough times that he is able to completely mimick Howard Dean..... since this will significantly impress everyone with his desire to be just one of the guys.

Dan's final suggestion for Osama is to try very hard to convince everyone that he has a plan for America. Of course the trick is to never tell anyone what the plan actually is. In order to pull this off convincingly he'll have to hire John Kerry to teach him how to say, "IIIIII have a plannnnnn" with a straight face and make people believe that he believes that he does have a plan - of course whatever it is he can change it later. Should Osama find it difficult to pay for all of this high-priced talent he can simply ask Kofi for a financing plan, maybe like the oil-for-food program that worked so well for Sadaam.

So there we have it, the A to Z of getting the votes by using the talents of the best straight men in the business.